Tag Archives: Health

6 Common Over-Assumptions About Breakups

10432552_1013181298695894_8304708746044163524_nAs a follow on to my previous post about breakups, I wanted to look into to some of the common assumptions of breaking up that people so regularly throw around as fact. If you are going through a breakup, I am so sorry. It is a horribly painful experience and the loss of a relationship can really shake someone to the core. Know that, if nowhere else, you have support here.

Often, when people preach at you and feed into these “facts”, they are just trying to think of something to say that will help you. they likely don’t MEAN to say something unhelpful or hurtful.
Most of these can apply in some cases, but they may not apply to your case or most cases.

1. Someone is always the bad-guy

Sometimes there is a bad-guy, maybe one of the people cheated, lied or was neglectful, but there isn’t always a bad-guy. Sometimes people just drift apart or a great couple find themselves in circumstances that they can’t make it through together. There isn’t antagonist in every story and it can hurt those grieving a lot more to try and sign the “blame” to someone.
If you find yourself of the position of talking to someone who is going through a breakup, try to consider the feelings of both sides and how they feel about each other before you try to dish out blame or vilifying either person involved.
Also, if you are going through a breakup, try not to vilify your ex unnecessarily. If they did do wrong by you or the relationship, you are fully entitled to your feelings, but don’t blame where it’s not needed. It might seem like it’ll make you feel better, but it won’t. It will only stir you up with aggravation and annoyance. Anger doesn’t solve anything.

2. Breaking up means the relationship wasn’t real or loving

Relationships begin for strange reasons. Personalities, interests and circumstances all club together to make two people click and the beginnings of a relationship is formed. It’s weird how it happens and it’s wonderful. Relationships also end in as just a weird way. Also a combination of personalities changing, a drifting of interests or priorities and circumstance.
Sometimes a great, loving couple just don’t work out, through no fault of either of them.
Breaking up does not mean that you and your partner were never in a real and loving relationship, it just means that the relationship has reached its end.
Breaking up is hard. You are mourning the loss of love, the loss of a relationship that has taken time, attention and emotional investment to form. While some relationships are loveless, that isn’t the case for every couple. Quite likely, your relationship was loving, was valued and was just the victim of circumstance and personal differences.

3. It’s impossible that you still love them

I know from experience that breaking up with someone doesn’t mean that all your love is instantaneously erased. If that were the case, breaking up would be so much easier. Breaking up is the slow and difficult path of walking away from your love with another. It isn’t so easy as just suddenly not being in love – how useful that would be!
Sometimes people, even both sides, continue to love the other for a long time. A breakup doesn’t always mean that there’s no love there and that makes it all the more painful.
If you know someone who is going through a breakup, try to be careful about suggesting anything along the lines that they are completely out of love could be very hurtful to them.
If you yourself are going through a breakup, don’t feel that you have to suddenly act as though you are suddenly completely over your ex. Accept and embrace your emotions.
When times are tough, remember the phrase “The only way out is through”

4. You just need to pull yourself together

Breaking up is hard. It is painful. There has been a shock to your system, causing a chemical storm in your brain as it tries to compute what’s happening, and that’s a valid, real and very undeniably human reason to be shaken and upset.
No-one should be telling you, or even expecting you, to just pull yourself together. Pulling yourself together just means bottling it up and acting as if nothing is wrong, which is unhelpful and inhumane towards yourself.

5. It’s always down to personal fault or flaw

It is true that some breakups are down to personal difference, bad behaviour of character flaws, but that’s not always the reason behind a breakup. Everyone is different, no situation is identical and sometimes stuff just doesn’t work out.
It used to baffle me when I was younger when couples, both good, kind, honest, committed and lovely people, would seemingly break up for no apparent reason. Like they just decided “Eh, that was cool, time to move on” or something. Being young and inexperienced, I then tried to find the reason behind it, assuming that someone was responsible for some wrong doing or other. With time I grew to learn that it is sometimes just a case of people drifting apart.
It happens, it’s sad and there isn’t always a reason for it.

6. You’re smiling, so you must be over them

This is possibly the most irritating of all of these over-assumptions.
So much of the time people, even the people who know you really well, may assume that you are fine, over your ex and ready to get back out there just because you’re not curled up on the floor crying.
Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to cry, or you’re trying to handle things calmly or maybe just because you don’t need to cry about it right there and then. That’s okay. Crying is draining, it really saps your energy and can make you feel a whole lot worse so it’s understandable that you’ll try to avoid it!
Cry isn’t the only way we handle sadness. Especially for women, a lot of sadness is internal. It’s a vicious and destructive storm in the sea of your being which crashes walls of your soul. It’s rough and it’s only made worse when people try to force you to be better.
If you have a friend going through a breakup, be very careful when you suggest that they are better because it can be seriously upsetting to them if that is said when they are no-where near better and, please, do not try to encourage them to get over their ex by trying to hook them up with other people or take them out to get “back out there”, because that could be very damaging.
If you yourself are going through this trouble right now, please take your time in recovering. Let it be as fast or as slow as you need. Stay safe, stay healthy and put yourself first. Only you can truly and deeply know inside when you are fine again.
If you do find that you are taking an incredibly long time to feel okay again, or maybe issues related to things keep cropping up, perhaps try to see a professional who you can talk to to get your feelings out. The great thing about a counsellor is that you can get all of your feelings out using the best words you can and the counsellor will work them all out and tell it back to you in the clearest, healthiest and most satisfying way possible and can give great advice for how to take the best steps towards being happier and more yourself again.

I hope that these myth busts have been helpful to you and perhaps offered you some comfort if you are going through a breakup. Always remember that, even at times where you may forget so, there are people out there who love and care about you and you are of tremendous value. There is always someone to turn to out there. I wish you all the best and infinite happiness in future.
You can continue the discussion in the comments below or come join us on Facebook or Twitter!

Tattoos and Tattoo aftercare

As I mentioned in one of my recent posts, I have 3 tattoos that I love very much that all carry very strong meanings to me.  They’re important and I want to make sure they last well.

A lot of people ask me

“Wasn’t that really painful?!”

firsttattoo1Personally, if you are worried about pain, probably best to leave getting a tattoo for a while. When I got my first one, I was very scared of the thought of the pain and almost chickened out a bunch of times. Then I laid down on the tattoo bench, and when I sat up I had a tattoo — it really wasn’t that bad!

I will be honest, some points hurt a bit and different areas hurt more or less than others, the thought of the pain hurt more than the pain itself, and the sting of getting a tattoo disappears very quickly.

“Aren’t you worried about regretting it?”

In life, there are some things that we just know and I knew that all of my tattoos were good ideas. They all had very strong messages behind them and I went into the tattoo room absolutely confident in my decision. Trust me, I’m not going to mark myself for the rest of my life if I’m unsure about it.

tat2“Did you get that for a boyfriend/ex?”

No. Getting tattoos like that is a very dangerous idea. Even if you and your partner last a lifetime of love and commitment, you might not always want a tattoo of their name/face/starsign/whatever stuck on you forever!

I 100% recommend against getting tattoos for friends or someone you are in a relationship with. There are so many ways it can go wrong!

“Are you worried about employability?”

Maybe once upon a time, people in western culture couldn’t have tattoos that were visible in the workplace, but times have changed. As long as the tattoos aren’t offensive in any way, then there isn’t much to worry about.

Yes, in other countries tattoos can be an issue, but more and more countries are learning to accept tattoos, especially on those from a culture where they are commonplace.

“There’s this band I love and -“

NO! Please, stop right there. Regardless of how much you love a tv show, band or movie, you don’t need a tattoo from it. Again there are so many things that could go wrong.

You could decide that show sucked, a horrible revelation could be found about someone involved in it, the band could go downhill and your opinion could change — those are just to name a few!

If you are so pushed to get a tattoo of something entertainment or pop culture related, sit on the idea for a good long while before you go through with it.

“So, does that mean you aren’t an actor now?”

So many actors, performers and artists have tattoos. They are a form of self-representation and artistry which artists often can’t get enough of. So many actors, from Justin Chon to Jackson Rathbone to Angelina Jolie, have tattoos and love them! If they have tattoos and can survive as actors, so can I! 🙂

“How do you take care of your tattoos?”

tat3So, the best advice I can give for caring for your tattoos is

1) Don’t sweat it – Seriously, try not to sweat on it too much. Keep that sucker clean and dry(ish)

2) Don’t scratch it – Scratching is can really damage it and cause some serious irritation

3) Careful of allergies – When I got my first tattoo, I used Bepathen  the baby cream to soothe my tattoo. However, I soon realised that it actually felt a lot worse AFTER I applied it and later realised that I am allergic to one of the ingredients in Bepanthen (Lanolin). So, watch out for stuff like that and find something that isn’t going to make you itchy as heck later on!

4) Keep children away – I don’t know how or why, but children have the amazing ability to locate and exploit your weak spots. With every tattoo I have had, some kid (or about 20 kids one time) have managed to cause me eye-watering pain by punching, pinching or scratching my fresh and delicate tattoo. Until it’s healed, keep ’em away!

 

To clean a tattoo, don’t use any drying or irritating product that contain alcohol. You want to keep your tattoo fairly dry, but you don’t want to damage or crack it. Just use gentle soap and water and then dab it try with a CLEAN towel.

If your tattoo shows any signs of infection, contact your tattoo artist and a doctor immediately and see if you need to be put on antibiotics. I have been incredibly lucky with all of my tattoos not to have had any complications, but it’s always better safe than sorry!

 

I hope this piece has been interesting and helpful to you. As always, we want to hear from you, so drop us a comment or send us a message on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram using the hashtag #learnwithamy!

 

 

 

Real Talk: Kpop and Self-Image

Kpop is a lot of fun. The catchy songs, the expression of emotion that isn’t stopped by language barriers and the charismatic and beautiful artists are just a few of the appeals of Kpop.

When I first got into kpop and kdramas, I was astonished at how seemingly naturally beautiful the men and women were – even the ones considered to be ugly! It all seemed fine for a while, but soon it started to affect me. I felt insecure how artists younger than me were so much more beautiful (and I’m only 19). And I started to hate my own appearance. I got so caught up in the ideals of beauty in Korea and almost obsessed with the idea of fitting in with those demands.
This is an issue that many people have faced. To outsiders of Korea, like myself, it looks to us like idols are born totally stunning and were always wearing minimal makeup (with exception of perhaps some eyeliner for effect). It was frankly depressing and I found my desire to live up to those ideas and my inability to do so actually made me depressed and it almost ruined Kpop and Kdramas for me!
If you find yourself in the same position as I was in, there are a few things you need to know:

They are constantly modelling

Idols and stars aren’t just at work when they’re on set or in the studio, they are at work all the time. And that means that any time you see them, any time a camera is on them or they are getting attention, they will be wearing makeup, someone will have done their hair (and will be keeping it neat all day) and their outfits have been designed for them. They might be naturally swag people, but their entire appearance has been designed for the public to look at them and go ‘wow’.

Someone is always thinking about how they look

They don’t just get their clothes from a store like normal people or just put on any mix of clothes in the morning. They, or someone else, always has to think about their appearance and looking their best and modelling the products they have to.
Even if they are wearing a store-bought item, the chances are that it’s been altered to perfectly compliment them or chosen specifically to look perfect. They have tailored outfits and everything is coordinated. All. The. Time.
I personally feel bad that they can’t just go out or take a flight without having to be put in some outfit. It must get really uncomfortable and it probably makes it very hard to relax, but it’s part of their job.

Chances are they’ve had cosmetic surgery

Cosmetic surgery is a huge deal in Korea and these days it’s even become normal for surgery to be given as a gift for birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc. It isn’t healthy and only feeds into the beliefs that the beautiful faces our genes gave us aren’t good enough. While I’m at times tempted by the idea of fixing up things I’d like to change about my appearance, I don’t understand the obsession.
But if even the normal person on the street is getting surgery, then celebrities definitely are as, just like everywhere else, they have to be the epitome of beauty and style. Just a few seconds of Googling with find you hundreds of ‘Before/After surgery’ pictures of celebrities and interviews where artists let slip the procedures they’ve had done.
Ever wonder why the members of some kpop groups look scarily similar? It’s the Gangnam face, baby!

Everything is tailored

Do the poorest kids in Korea really have the best phones and clothes all the time? Is everyone in a Korean school really as gorgeous and rich as Lee Min Ho? Can women seriously stay a size 0 while guzzling down ramen 6 times a day? If a guy is in love with you, will he really be constantly yelling at you and insulting you? Are Korean parents really all terrifying evil people who want to control you or send your boyfriend/girlfriend out of the country? No.

Kdramas are fantasies. I know many people who will be upset to hear that, but it’s true. And it doesn’t make them any less enjoyable to accept that and it’s better for you if you do. Dramas, no matter what country you are in, are fantasy, because people like to escape from reality.
The clothes, makeup, characters, technology, lighting, sets – even the actor’s heights (!)- are manipulated to show you an industry crafted ideal that you are supposed to crave and invest a lot of money in pursuing. It’s the same in media everywhere.

You can’t assume their feelings

Just because you see an idol smiling and having a good time on camera, doesn’t mean they are happy. Their lives are controlled by their contracts, managers, schedules, paycheques and diets. They have little to no freedom to do, dress, date, spend, eat or speak as they want.

The life of an idol in Korea is very difficult and sometimes they are treated very poorly by the companies they work for, but they still have to be able to hide it all and perform for the camera as if they are the happiest person in the world, especially within performing groups, who have to give the appearance of being best buddies with each other (just look at the falling out in T-ARA as an example).
The life of an idol is hard and they have to be the appearance of perfection at the same time, so don’t just take their smiles as truth. They’ve got a tough lot.

So remember that no-one is perfect and being the industry standard of beautiful isn’t as wonderful as it may seem. The artists that you look at have had to suffer a lot, from dieting to fit their tiny outfits to cosmetic surgery that changes their faces permanently. It isn’t easy and the more you work to fit the criteria, the more work and pressure it becomes.

The world would be a happier and more confident place if we accepted and were accepted for our natural beauty. So love yourself, love each other and know that your beauty isn’t determined by your makeup or clothes. As G-Dragon said, “It isn’t about having the money for the expensive clothes, it is about how you wear them.”